I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
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someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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