I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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