My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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