i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
