then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
