I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
