Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
