tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
