found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
