so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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