phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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