Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize