I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
