You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
