it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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