I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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