I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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