theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
