There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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