I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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