Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
