Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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