Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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