There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
