He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
