i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
