All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
