I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
