sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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