He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
