I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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