my phone needs a breathalizer
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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