I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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