Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
