so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
