I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
