Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
