I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
