I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
