I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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