Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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