Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
