I cannot find my penis.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
