John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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