I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
