youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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