Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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