my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
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