I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
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Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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