Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
