I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
