My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
