A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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