The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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