don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
