worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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