Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
