im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Its about making memories worth repressing
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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