my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
