my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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