Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
