I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
