you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
